Yay for blogging! This one is about Facebook stalking. I dont recommend it. It tends to hurt sometimes. And I'm not stalking in a bad way- its not like I need to know peoples every move and where they are RIGHT THIS SECOND. Its kind of a check up on life thing that I do- people from high school and college and where life has taken them. I wonder if people ever do that to my facebook too. If they ever see mine and think- "Wow- shes been to Israel, Jordan, Greece, and travelled around the US, and look...shes going to LA in a month." I wonder if people see my life in pictures and think that I have a wonderful life...which I do. God has tremendously blessed me beyond imagine. He still continues to bless me....but just as they may look at my profile, I look at some of theirs with their children and spouses with homes and think the same thing....wow- what a wonderful life....
I sometimes wonder if I'll ever settle down. My life for the past 6 years has been nothing short of nomadic. Moving from place to place with no sense of permanance. And now I'm about to hit the road for 10 months. I see people that I went to high school with that were cruel, lived the 'rock star" life, slept around, had everything given to them, etc...now having children and thanking God for blessing their lives. Seriously? I know its probably a spiritual battle that I deal with...but I cant help to think- what about me God? I've never been in a serious relationship and I really dont complain about it. Ever, really. But I think...am I so damaged that I won't have those kind of blessings? Am I doomed to live a single, nomadic life for as long as I live. Man...that sucks.
I use to have dreams of doing ministry in Israel, brokering peace deals, etc. I feel like here lately my dreams are changing...marriage, buying a home, even kids. Yes, children. And Im terrified that Im actually admitting to that. And NO I dont want that now, but you have to start somewhere and I'm wondering where I will have that chance to start. Stability. A career and not just a job. Financial stability and the ability to pay off those damn student loans which for once, I'm starting to regret.
Maybe this is just an off night for me. I've went through a WIDE range of emotions these past couple weeks with this new job. As much as I look forward to it, it honestly scares the dickens out of me. I know in order to keep myself together...I really need to dig deep with God. I know it will all come together in His time, but its just so hard seeing everyone else starting families and people you went to high school with that have kids that are already 4 and 5 years old and I still dont have my life together. Not even close.
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